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COCKTAILS BY MAIL - My Martini Recipe Cards on Mailable Postcards!

Want to Change Things Up? Why Not EAT YOUR COCKTAILS?
Humoruos, Funny, Joke Martinis with a sense of fun
Martinis I've created under the influence of humor!
Some can actually be mixed up and enjoyed - others are just for a laugh - mix and drink at your own risk! New ones added often!

Martini and Cocktail Jokes and Humor - Happy Hour Funny

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

Wife to Husband:"I remember the days when a Quickie Before Dinner did not mean Martinis."

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive designer martinis and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.

"Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The bartender says that their grasshopper martinis are very good, so the man orders one. Then he has another couple.

On the way home he sees a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the grasshopper, "do you know that there is a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper looks up at the man and says "do you mean they have a drink called Irving?" 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, 'How can I relax?'

The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, 'My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.'

Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well.

After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again:

Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down.

There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

David 'slew' Goliath, he didn't 'kick the shit out of him.'

We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T.'

We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys.'

We don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Holy Spook.'

Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a 'peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.'

The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign, 'Toot-n-Tell or Go to Hell' has to go.

Last, but not least, we say The Virgin Mary, not the 'Mary with the Cherry.''

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, 'Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!'

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, “Beertender, give me a dribble martooni, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down. then says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martooni, and put a pickle in it.” 

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down. She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martooni, and you better put two pickles in it, because I've got heartburn”

The bartender says, “Look, lady, its not beertender, its bartender. Its not a martooni, its a martini. Its not a dribble, its a double. That's not a pickle, its an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, You have your left boob in the ashtray!

COCKTAILS BY MAIL - My Martini Recipe Cards on Mailable Postcards!

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn`t think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist meet in a bar at 10:00 a.m. The bartender asks the minister what he’ll have, and the minister orders a martini. The priest also orders a martini, as does the rabbi. When the bartender asks the atheist what he wants, the atheist says he'd like a cup of coffee.

“Why aren’t you having a martini like those guys?” asks the bartender.

“Oh,” says the atheist, “I don’t believe in martinis before lunch.”

A guy walks into a bar. A lion is behind the bar making a drink for a horse.

The guy is just staring at the lion, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a lion serving drinks in a bar?”

The guy says, “Actually, no. I never thought the tiger would sell the place.”

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a martini" he says. The bartender promptly serves up the martini.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron?

"Since you’re a neutron?" says the barman, "no charge."


• A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

• You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor and still hang-on

• I have a drinking problem…I don’t have any money!

• A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. His hat is made of black wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, and shoes. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

• A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my brother been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

• A goldfish flops into a pub and looks at the barkeep. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

• Booze is the answer, but now I can’t remember the question.

• A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He pushes up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

• A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? I’m cultured.”

• An Irishman, a Italian and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

• A couple of hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says, "I think I've lost an electron." The second says,"Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

• A pizza walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

• An amnesiac walks into a tavern and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”

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